Sydnee Elliot

 

PEAR BLOSSOM HIGHWAY

 

“Hey, Harold. You there?”

“Where the hell do you expect me to be? No, I’m in the Oval Office advising the president on how to run the country.”

Jimmy rolled out from under a ’52 Buick and grabbed a greasy rag from the floor. “Did I tell ya I signed up on one of them dating services online?”

“No.”

“Found a hot one. We’ve been e-mailing back and forth for a month.” Jimmy strutted over to where Harold had his head stuck under the hood of a ’74 Caddy. “You oughta try it.”

“Don’t have time for such shit. Besides, Sally keeps me busy enough on weekends. She got too much testesteronie, but I’m taking that new pill everyone’s yappin’ about. Viagiana, or something like that.”

Jimmy lit a joint.

“Got an email from her yesterday. Samantha. That’s her name. She’s driving down from Vegas on Saturday. Gonna stay for a week. Wants us to get better acquainted.”

“Good deal, man. Hope she’s got some bucks ‘cause you ain’t got shit.”

“Sounds like she’s doing okay. Says she’s a teacher, first grade.”

Harold poured a cup of stale coffee into a stained cup with ‘I Love You’ printed on the front. “I’m glad to be rid of Pauline. She wanted to get married. And, I don’t. At least not to her.”

Harold stuck his head back over the Caddy’s engine, “Can’t get these pistons unstuck. Got any ideas?”

“Funny thing is, she, Sammy, short for Samantha, seems smart, then sometimes, she seems not too with it.” He sipped coffee and jiggled change in his pocket.

Harold peeked around the hood of the car. “For example?”

“Well, last night she wrote, Someone told me the I-15 is a mess. There are repairs going on. I’ll take the Peach Blossom Highway. The trip will take a little longer but there’s less traffic, no trucks and prettier road. ”

“And?”

“I wrote back, Whatever you do, do not take Peach Blossom Highway. Primarily because there IS no Peach Blossom Highway EXCEPT in the Twilight Zone! Take the Pear Blossom Highway.

“Man, so far this is pretty uneventful. Did you try calling her? Just to hear the sound of her voice?”

“She said she doesn’t have a phone ‘cause her mother’s sick and when it rings she gets crazy and needs more meds.”

Harold grabbed the phone on first jingle and shouted, “Yeah, Sally, okay, I know, get a refill at the pharmacy.” He slammed the phone down. “Damn, that woman never thinks about anything else except bonking.”

“So, then she writes back, Oh, okay, yesterday I called AAA to get directions to Apple Blossom Highway. I’ve made progress, I’m up to the “P’s”. There’s a Peach Blossom Highway in Georgia, the state not the country. Made the above discovery while looking for the Peach Blossom Highway in California. Today, I forgot the Pear and reverted to Peach. If I never arrive, check with the Georgia State Police…see you soon, yours forever, Samantha”.

“Okay lover boy, hand me that torque.”

Jimmy handed him the tool. “So, I figure, let’s go with the flow and write back.  As they would say in AA, it’s a program of progress, not perfection. Probably, tho’, an Apple Blossom Highway in Washington State. Potato Blossom in Idaho?”

“All this talk about apples and potatoes. I’m getting hungry. Let’s get a gander at what poison’s being administered over at The Grill.” Harold locked the door.

The Grill was empty except for two cops sitting at the counter. Harold trotted up toward the back and slid into the last booth. He ordered fried fish and potatoes. “Order up, I’m starving.”

“I can’t eat, just coffee for me. I’m too revved up. Now let me finish about these e-mails. She writes back,‘Potato Blossom? I thought they only had studs. Is that dirty? Potato dirty? Now I’m really turned on and answer, ‘Yep. Stud spuds.’ ”

“Hey, man, is this story much longer? How can you get turned on by this shit?”

“Cause of the way she throws out the word, ‘stud’ so casual-like.”

“Man, you’re a sorry trunk of emptiness.”

Jimmy chomped his food like a starving gorilla. “You got no romance in your soul, man. Pass the sugar and cream. Anyway, she answers, Oh, my god, spuds, not studs. I think it’s time for an MRI on my brain. Maybe I shouldn’t drive to L.A. alone. On second thought, I’m not alone, I’ll have my dog with me. She’s deaf, but she’ll protect me against myself.”

Harold cackled. Coffee gushed from his nose and sprayed the table. “You must be kidding me. Even I know potatoes are spuds not studs.”

“Don’t knock her, pal. You haven’t even met her yet. Anyway, so I write, OMG! You actually confused “studs” for “spuds”? L-fuckin’ – OL!!!  I thought you were joking when you said ‘studs”!!! Now I genuinely AM concerned you might end up on the Peach Blossom Highway in Georgia!!! Too freakin’ much! MY mind is jelly, but Christ on a Stick, my brain is mushed from monstrous amounts of cocaine! You’re squeaky clean! So what the hell is your excuse? Of course, after I hit the send button I’m sorry I used such terrible language and told her I used to snort. Now I’m afraid she might not come. What do you think?”

Harold wiped his face with a napkin. “What did she answer?”

“She wrote, Clean living, minding my own business and taking a multitude of wrong turns.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Harold slid some change and a ten next to the check and they headed for the door.

“Don’t know. Does she sound smart or crazy?”

“What’s the difference? You’ll get laid and forget about her.”

“I’m taking Saturday off and if all goes well, I’ll need the whole week too.”

“It’s your vacation, don’t waste it. Bring her by. Like to meet your princess.” Harold laughed and threw his arm across Jimmy’s shoulders.

“Well, um, … I sort of told her a small lie.”

Harold flipped his keys and shot his friend a sideways glance. “Oh, yeah, like what kinda lie?”

“I casually mentioned I work in a bank. Behind a desk.”

“Oh, really now.” Harold slammed Jimmy’s shoulder and grabbed his hand. “How will you explain the permanent monkey grease under your fingernails?”

Jimmy jammed his hands into his pockets. “I’ll wear gloves. Tell her I got a rash from poison ivy.”

“And, at night, when you want to grab her ass? What then? With the gloves?”

“I’ll keep the lights off.”

“Dreaming again, man, always dreaming. You should have stuck it out with Pauline. She loved you for what you are.”

Harold unlocked the shop door and rolled a joint.

Jimmy shuffled, hung his head and slide under the Buick. “I want something a little better. Samatha’s a teacher. Pauline will never be more than a convenience store clerk.”

“I gotta get this Caddy done by 5. Hey, buddy, I don’t think you’re going about this the right way. Be careful.”

***

“Okay, Samantha, your turn. You’ve got ten minutes. Too many are waiting today.”

“I’ll take what I can get, as usual.” Samantha followed Teresa down the hall and into the library. She sat at the first available computer and logged on.

First, let’s see if I got any important stuff, like from the folks or . . . yeah, Harold’s back. Poor guy, he loves his punishment. He ain’t seen nothing yet.

“Dear James, I’ve been thinking about you all night, and you know what that means. I can hardly wait to sleep in your arms. Feel the warmth of your breath against my cheek. And, feel you know what else against my you know what. Are you waiting for me with hot stuff in your pants? Just picture me flying along Blossom Highway on Saturday and sailing into your welcoming arms.”

Enough bullshit. Got to write to the folks, even if they never write back. I don’t care, ain’t like I’m going to spend Christmas with them, or Thanksgiving, or my birthday, ever again.

“Hey, you, times up, let’s go.”

Samantha signed off and flicked her finger at the computer. “So long, friend.” She paused at the door. “Who are you? Never saw you before.” She followed the blond woman down the hallway watching her big ass swish and sway. Wonder what she does for entertainment on the weekends.

“Sandi. This is my first day. What you in for?”

“Slicing up my husband’s jolly joker and his sidekicks, cooking them and feeding them to his prize Pit Bull, with gravy. Dumb dog gobbled it up like it was filet mignon.”

“Guess you’re in for life, huh?”

“You guess right.”

“If you got out, what’s the first thing you’d do?”

“Find some Blossom Highway and go for a long ride, just smelling the flowers.”

“Here, suppose this castle is yours.”

“You suppose right. This is home.”

The key turned, the lights went out. Samantha laughed and sighed.

***

Miles away Jimmy bought a bottle of White Musk cologne, Samantha’s favorite.

Miles away Jimmy rubbed White Must cologne on his forearm and imagined Samantha lying next to him.

Miles away, Jimmy humped his pillow and moaned, “Sammy, Sammy, Samantha.”